things that matter to me

this page is different from the rest. 

mental health, sexual assault, self harm and suicide are causes very near & dear to my heart. here you will find stories & resources related to these very important topics. 

Just. Keep. Fighting.  

“The I Am tells me… I am enough. I am worthy. I am loved no matter how I feel” -MH  

Back in the spring I posted a very open and revealing post on FB sharing some  details of my mental health journey and trauma recovery process. I was so blessed to  an outpouring of love and support from family, friends and even strangers I have never  met. I had no idea when I initially shared part of my story just how crazy 2020 would  become and in turn mental health challenges became more widespread and more  discussed than ever before!  

Around this time last year I was experiencing some of the lowest lows that I have  ever felt. I was deeply struggling and often felt hopeless and found myself wondering if  life would ever not be a constant fight and struggle. I have often explained what mental  illness can feel like by saying it constantly feels like 1/2 of my brain is the real me and is  fighting the other 1/2 of my brain which is the sick 1/2 and it's an ongoing struggle to  block out the negative 1/2 and listen to the positive. That explanation might sound kind  of silly or simple but it is EXHAUSTING. I’d often find myself just truly worn down in  every way and feeling defeated and hopeless wondering if this exhausting fight would  ever get easier or if I’d ever just feel “normal” again.  

When I was at one of my lowest points I had begun cutting my wrists. If you have  spoken with me about my story or mental health in general chances are you have  heard me say that “there is nothing more humbling than standing in the mirror, seeing a  bleeding gash in your arm, knowing YOU did that to yourself and having literally not  one single clue as to why you did it”. I remember feeling so incredibly confused with  myself and truly at a loss as to why my brain and trauma had lead me to that point. 

Thanks to the guidance and support of my amazing therapists I had the  opportunity to truly learn about self harm and the science behind why our brains act  the way they do at certain times! Simply put, when we experience an intense trauma  our bodies are wired to protect us. When our brains feel overwhelming pain and trauma  it can be very hard to understand and work through. Its an intangible pain or injury, if  you will. If someone breaks their ankle the problem and course of treatment is pretty  clear and fairly easy to comprehend but that is not the case for mental and emotional  trauma! I have learned that when our brains aren’t sure how to process this intangible  pain it sometimes leads us to “legitimize” our pain and make it a more tangible or  visible “injury”. Hearing self-harm explained in this way helped me immensely. I no  longer felt like a “crazy” person. I was able to quit beating myself and instead put my  focus on truly healing and working to better understand myself, my traumas and my oh  so complicated brain!  

Almost every therapist out there will tell you that things will get worse before they  get better. For the longest time I felt like I was stuck in the “getting worse” phase.  Those feelings of hopelessness and just wanting to feel “normal” became entirely too  frequent and familiar. I am embarrassed to say there were several occasions where I  wanted to just give up and quit fighting my illnesses and just quit trying. But I didn’t.  For different reasons at different times, I kept fighting. A huge reason I never gave up  was my wonderful family and true friends who never left my side and repeatedly  comforted me and reassured me that I was NOT a burden, I was LOVED and WANTED  and VALUED no matter how I was feeling.  

In just about a year's time I went from my lowest lows to feeling genuinely happier  than I have felt in a very, very long time. The funny part is that my life is still just as  messy and uncertain as ever- but that’s ok because I am continuing to heal and grow  and become the person God intended me to be. I absolutely still have tough days but I  am learning how to better manage them and slowly but surely they are becoming less,  and less frequent. 

I am sharing all of these details and little stories to say this: If you’re experiencing  one of those “low lows' ' and feeling exhausted, confused and hopeless KEEP PUSHIN!  It WILL get better. I am living proof that we are stronger than our traumas and struggles  and you are too.  

Prayer WORKS. Therapy WORKS. Talking about it WORKS. Puppy kisses and  cuddles WORK. Patient and loving true friends and family WORK.  

This too shall pass, just keep on fighting and remember that you are LOVED NO  MATTER HOW YOU FEEL.  

Since my last post I have had the privilege of talking in depth with many different  people about their own challenges and struggles. Talking with others about this topic is  so important so please do not hesitate to message me if you need to vent or want  some fab book suggestions!  

This too shall pass, and you will be genuinely so very happy again one day. I  promise. Just keep fighting.  

Xoxo, 

Mere 

March 1st is Self-harm awareness day.  

March 8th is International Women’s Day.  

April is Sexual Assault awareness month.  

May is Mental Health awareness month.  

With that all in mind, here is my story:  

I am a two-time acquaintance rape survivor. I suffer from severe generalized anxiety  and depression. I have struggled with self-harm.  

I am strong. I am enough. I am loved. I am worthy. I am capable of doing amazing  things.  

It is NOT my fault. God still loves me. I am not broken because of what I endured.  I don’t know how many times I have sat down and tried to write about my experiences  with the intention of sharing my story publicly. I don’t want to share it for attention or  pity or any reason other than to spread awareness and let others know that they aren’t  alone, they’re not crazy or dramatic and people do care and want to help them. I think  it has taken me so long to share anything on a public platform because I worried about  what people may say or think or what opinions they may have. But I’ve decided I can’t  let that fear of judgement keep me from sharing my experiences because I have  realized I care more about spreading awareness and trying to help educate and protect  other young women then I care about the potential judgements people may make of  me and my story.  

February 25th marks 3 years since the first rape. March 23rd will mark 1 year since the  second rape. Both experiences involved men I knew and trusted. Both have had a  significant affect on who I am and how I live my life. Both have revealed a passion in  me to do what I can to make sure no one else feels the way I felt.  

It took me several months to admit that what happened to me on the night of February  25th wasn’t good. It also took several months for me to admit that what happened last  March was also wrong- and it took me even longer to call the experiences what they  were: Rape. But once I was able to admit and begin coming to terms with what I had  experienced I was able to start walking down the path of healing. 

When you first start therapy they will more than likely tell you that things normally get  worse before they get better. This was absolutely the case with me- but the important  thing is that they DO get better. 

I share this to say: if you or someone you know has been through a traumatic  experience or is struggling with their mental health in any way I am here for you.  These next few months it is my personal goal to do my part to spread awareness on  two topics that are often kept quiet and considered “taboo” to talk about- especially in  public. My hope is that through discussing these challenging topics I can help those  around me realize just how many people are silently suffering because they think  they’re alone in their struggles. Staying quiet and ignoring how tragically common both  sexual assault and mental health challenges are in our society isn’t going to help  anyone.  

As someone who works in a highly male-dominated field this topic can sometimes  overlap into my professional world as well- I once asked a male coworker why from his  perspective he thinks people don’t share experiences more and he said “Well it makes  people feel awkward so its more comfortable to not talk about it.” And he’s not wrong.  But in my opinion that’s the problem- the longer we allow the awkwardness to silence  us, the longer this is an issue. If more people talk about the challenges they’ve faced  and demand change happen and call attention to bad behavior then maybe sexual  assault can go back to the shocking rarity that it should be, rather than the silent norm  it has become.  

There is a ton of misinformation out there regarding sexual assault, rape, depression,  anxiety, self-harm and many other similar topics! By starting the conversation and  being open about experiences maybe we can better spread awareness and educate  those around us!  

No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, just know, you’re not alone and  there are tons of people who love you and want to help you, starting with me!  xoxo, Mere  

(Feel free to share this on FB or with anyone you may know that could be helped!)  P.S. I try to be very open about my experiences and the resources I have found to be  helpful so if you have any questions don’t hesitate to reach out. I know I didn’t write a 

ton about my mental health challenges in this post but it is still very important and I  plan to write more about it at some point so don’t hesitate to reach out.